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Red Dwarf Quotes
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3rd-Mar-2007 10:19 am - Series 4, episode 6: "Meltdown"
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CALIGULA: This machine -- how does it work?
LISTER: Don't know. If I did, I wouldn't be here.
CALIGULA: Very well, if that's the way you want to play it. Rasputin,
bring in the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers!
LISTER: Hang on, it's got something to do with travelling across sub space.
CALIGULA: Demonstrate.
LISTER: Well, like I said, I don't really know.
CALIGULA: Very well. Rasputin, bring hither the skin-diving suit with
the bottom cut out and unleash the rampant wildebeest.
LISTER: Hang on, I'll try my best! I'll try my best! Just give it here.
CALIGULA: Aah, you think I'm insane?
CAT: Shall we take a quick vote?
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The rubber plant was surprised. If the rubber plant could have spoken, it wouldn't have said anything. That's how surprised the rubber plant was. Over the last five weeks it had witnissed the gradual deterioration of McIntyre's mental health, but if the rubber plant had had a name it would have said, "George McIntyre is not the kind of guy to commit suicide or my name's not..."-whatever its name would have been, had it had one.
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LISTER: Tell him, not if she was the last wartey yeti lookalike in the
world and I was the only boy.
RIMMER: Oh, come on, Lister, you've dated worse.
LISTER: Only due to very poor disco lighting.
GELF LEADER: Ana beg ewitah og iy con nich kawal bah.
KRYTEN: He says: no wedding, no O/G unit.
12th-Feb-2007 01:11 pm - Series 1, Episode 1: "The End"
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LISTER: Three million years?! I've still got that library book.
And what about Krissie? What about Krissie Kochanski?
HOLLY: She's dead, Dave.
LISTER: Oh, hey!
HOLLY: I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still
alive, the age difference would be insurmountable.
LISTER: She was part of me plan. I never got round to telling her, but
she was going to come with me to Fiji. She was going to wear a white
dress and ride the horses and I was going to take care of everything
else. It was me plan. I planned it.
HOLLY: Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now. Not unless it
snows and you need something to grit the path with.
LISTER: Holly!
11th-Feb-2007 10:15 am - Series 5, Episode 2: "The Inquisitor"
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CAT: Hi, buddy!
INQUISITOR: This is your judgment day, bud. I gotta be cruel! There can be no favors.
CAT: I'm hearing you on FM!
INQUISITOR: I have to ask you the question: justify your existence -- what contribution have you made?
CAT: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!
INQUISITOR: Well, that's true.
CAT: Can I go now?
INQUISITOR: That's your case?!
CAT: You need more?
INQUISITOR: Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
CAT: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy. But a shallow guy with a great ass!
INQUISITOR: Sometimes you astonish even me!
CAT: Thank you!
10th-Feb-2007 07:40 pm - Series 7, Episode 4: "Duct Soup"
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LISTER: 92 degrees... God! I want a drink but I can't be bothered to get up...
I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered to go down the corridor...
This is one of the universal dilemmas - something which has confronted all men since the beginning of time...
to pee or not to pee, that is the question.
No, I'll just lie here, really thirsty, with a full bladder, and try and get to sleep.
Smeggin 'ell!
9th-Feb-2007 11:32 am - Series 3, Episode 2: "Marooned"
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RIMMER: It's about leadership. That's what I admire -- the ability to
command, to out-think a worthy opponent on the field of battle.
LISTER: It's so ironic, when deep down you're such a basic, natural coward.
RIMMER: Coward?
LISTER: Planet leave, Miranda? That space bar, the "Hacienda?" When that
fight started up? You were out of that door quicker than a whippet
with a bum full of dynamite!
RIMMER: That was a bar-room brawl! A common pub fight. A shambolic set-to.
LISTER: Which you started.
RIMMER: I just made an innocuous comment, I merely voiced a rumour that
MacWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I
didn't start the rumour. I simply voiced it.
LISTER: To his face. Right to his face. When he was there with his four
biggest mates. Then you did your Roadrunner act, and left me to face
the music.
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RIMMER: Luck virus; sexual magnetism? Holly, what's this?
HOLLY: Dave got them years ago from this scientist called Lanstrom. They're
positive viruses. One gives you sexual magnetism, and the other gives you
luck. Well, 'til your natural body defences combat the virus.
RIMMER: Sexual magnetism!
HOLLY: You gonna use it?
RIMMER: Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am! A tiny swigette to see if it
works. Well, bottoms up! Then bottoms down, and hopefully bottoms up again!
WOMEN: Hi, Arn...
RIMMER: Ladies!
WOMEN: Hi, Arnold...
RIMMER: The world loves a bastard!
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Talkie Toaster™
AGL 0
DEX 0
STR 0
PER 5

Asthetics: Music: 1
(Lounge Singing 3)
Social 2
INT 6
Culinary Arts 4
(Toasting 6)
Philosophy 4
Theoretical Physics 3
WIL 4
Personality: Fanaticism: Toast (3), Obsession: Toast (3)
Quote: "I toast, therefore I am."
22nd-Jul-2006 10:47 pm - Series 4, Episode 6: "Meltdown"
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RIMMER: Where's the rest of your army?
STAN LAUREL: They've all been killed.
ELVIS: All our best warriors are gone, man: John Wayne, Sir Lancealot,
Joan of Arc, Nelson, Wellington. Hell, baby, even Doris Day. They've
all died in battle, man.
RIMMER: And you're all that's left. Just a smattering of intellectuals,
pacifists, and celebrities.
EINSTEIN: We number less than 20.
PYTHAGORAS: If only we numbered 21, then at least we could form an
equilateral triangle.
EINSTEIN: Will you shut up already with the triangles! Everything is
triangles, you're driving me crazy!
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