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Quotable Smeg!
Red Dwarf Quotes
26th-May-2007 03:12 pm - Series 3, Episode 2: "Marooned"
RIMMER: But a Black Hole's a huge, compacted star! It's millions of
miles wide! Why didn't you see it on the radar screen?
HOLLY: Well, the thing about a Black Hole - it's main distinguishing
feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, your basic space
colour is black. So how are you s'posed to see them?
RIMMER: But five of them! How can you be ambushed by five Black Holes?
HOLLY: Always the way, isn't it? You hang around in Deep Space for three
million years and you don't see one. Then, all of a sudden, five all
turn up at once.
17th-May-2007 03:55 pm - Backwards: Pages 148-150
"Suddenly, he was aware of a strange scent in the mountain air. He sniffed. He felt at the same time bewildered and greedy. And then there was a growing, aching, tumescene inside his trousers. He shifted uncomfortably in the bracken. His loins began to ache. To ease the pain, he unzipped his pants and eased them over his knees. His erection began to throb.

He slid his shorts down the firm, muscular shanks of his thighs. The sex smell intensified. His whole body began to glisten with sweet sweat.

And then he heard her. She was screaming through the woods towards him. He 'L'ed his body up from the indented bracken. His eyes caught a white glimpse to his left. He reached over and grabbed the whiteness.


He clasped them to his face.

He breathed them.

And then there was the sound of bracken snapping. Her screams were getting closer.
He felt inexplicably ambiguous: afraid, yet strangely sated.

Then she burst through the dark woods. Shoeless in the impossibly perfect gingham dress, thundering backwards towards him.

She raced towards the spot where he lay.

She stopped her caterwauling and turned to face him.

The expression on her perfect face chilled him like liquid nitrogen.

Her eyes and mouth were fixed wide in a silent scream.

Then, the horror etched on her features, she straddled his strengthening erection.

And she eased herself down on it.

And halfway down, she began to scream again.

And then the screaming stopped.

She began to slither up and down on him. She started to moan. Only this time, there was

no pain in the moaning.

She was crying out in ecstasy.

And despite his confusion, the Cat became lost in his own version of that ecstasy.

He yowled mightily as his orgasm sucked its way into him. His buttocks began to urge themselves towards her, to meet her urgent thrusts.

And then they were making love.

Without warning, she eased herself off him, and stood.

He stood with her, feeling her gentile hands tugging on his chest.

Then she grabbed his yearning erection and eased it into his shorts. She tugged up his trousers, giggling, and did up the zip. Then she stooped, scooped up her panties and slid into them, never taking her eyes from his.

She kissed him. She kissed him long an hard, until his erection melted away.

And then she linked his arm, and they began to walk backwards through the woods: her all the time talking, him smiling and nodding, not catching a quarter of what she said, but neither of them caring much about that.

They reached the clearing where Zeke and Zack kept their still, and suddenly she kissed him, clumsily. She talked for a while, and he listened as best he could, then she smiled and skipped off backwards.

The cat was left in the clearing, confused and lost.

He'd learned, over the years, to try and work things out backwards, after they'd happened, but no amount of rationalizing furnished him with an explanation of what had just gone on between him and this beautiful young woman.

And that was because he was unaware of a certain anatomical fact.

The fact was: unlike Cats, male humans do not have any special equipment to stimulate ovulation in the female.

Which is to say: the human penis is not equipped with sharp and painful hooks."
13th-Apr-2007 01:08 am - Series 5, Episode 3: "Terrorform"
CAT: So what's the problem? Hey, you OK? You look tense.
LISTER: (Typing) >HELP
                               > Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula
CAT: You're playing that dumb adventure game.
LISTER: > It's in my boxers. It's making a nest
CAT: Then buy a potion from Gandalf, the master wizard. That's what I
usually do.

CAT looks down, then looks up again, a rather tense expression on his

CAT: (Typing also) > It has an eye the size of a meatball
LISTER: > Kill it
CAT: > How?
LISTER: > I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the
size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me.
CAT: > I'm scared
LISTER: > YOU'RE scared. How d'you think I feel?
CAT: > You haven't SEEN it!!
LISTER: > The lower half of my body has gone numb.
CAT: > That's probably for the best.
LISTER: > It's moving
               > Oh *#%^**!!!!
ACE: Tish, pshaw and nonsense. Any old twit can hug the event horizon of
a black hole, then loop-de-loop 'round the spinning singularity at
twice the speed of light, then slam the engines into reverse and blast
out of an imploding nebula! It's you and your guys with the magic
wrenches down on Engineering, Spanners. You're the ones that break the
5th-Apr-2007 01:40 am - Series 3, Episode 4: "Body Swap"
LISTER: Oh smeg! What the smeggin' smeg's he smeggin' done? He's smeggin' killed me!
31st-Mar-2007 09:08 pm - Series 4, Episode 2: "DNA"
CAT: What was it like being a hamster?
LISTER: It was better than being a chicken! I mean, you've seen the size
of an egg? And you've seen the size of a chicken's bum? Well, that's
what all the clucking was about! I was trying to say, in chicken talk,
"For God's sake, give me a epidural!"
LORETTA: Ohhh, it's Sammy the Squib.
KRYTEN: Orrrhh, good evening Miss.
LORETTA: Don't kill me Sammy, I'll do anything, kill him. I'll come away
with you Sammy, it'll be just like the old days. I never stopped
loving you Sammy. Kiss me.
LISTER: You're trash, aren't you?
LORETTA: I'm programmed to be trash.
LISTER: I can't resist her Kryten. Get back in the car. I never fall for
women who are any good for me Kryten, it's either heartbreakers or
moral garbage on legs.
HOLLY: Alright! What's happening, dudes?
CAT: We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn Monroe and also
I have another girlfriend who's a mermaid. She's half woman, half
fish. It's Miranda, my girlfriend!
HOLLY: Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top and a fish on the
CAT: No! That's a stupid way round!
19th-Mar-2007 03:19 pm - Series 2, Episode 4: "Stasis Leak"
HOLLY: On our journey back to Earth, we have
encountered many strange and bizarre things. Only last month we came
across a moon which was shapedexactly like Felicity Kendall's bottom.
We flew around that one a couple of times.
5th-Mar-2007 09:42 am - Series 7, Episode 3: "Ouroboros"
LISTER: You look great!
KOCHANSKI: You look pretty amazing yourself... So in this dimension you didn't die?
You're an alternate version of Dave?
LISTER: Well, I like to think of myself as the definitive version, y'know? Honed
to perfection by time and evolution.
KOCHANSKI: I can see why you think that, yeah.
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